It’s been a fantastic week for those of us living and breathing in Beijing in 2016, all because finally – FINALLY – some genuinely heroic soul working for a powerful authority has decided to outlaw those darn segway machines.
Honestly, it feels like a new chapter of life has begun. The constant underlying fear? Gone. This national, or perhaps city-wide, nightmare? Seemingly over.
I can’t even begin to count the instances where I’m just trying to enjoy my day, minding my own business, maybe heading to the local store for a refreshing banana milk, when suddenly, some lunatic zooms past on one of those two-wheeled Segway contraptions. They look like a villain ripped straight from the pages of a comic book – think Magneto, Zod, Brainiac, Sinestro, or even Mum-Ra – scaring the absolute daylights out of me. Seriously, Doctor Who Is The Guy On Segway, because they certainly look like someone out of a sci-fi show, possibly up to no good.
What is the deal with these things? Are you late for a secret meeting to steal nuclear codes? Is that it? Everyone else is navigating the city like normal human beings, and you’re gliding around like some kind of futuristic menace, like Doctor Octopus but somehow less cool and more annoying.
I despise them. I truly loathe those Segway things. Every single person riding one of those self-balancing scooter Segway things seems to think they’re channeling their inner Steve Jobs. Newsflash: you are not Steve Jobs. You look like you’re en route to activate a doomsday device, poison the city’s water supply, or some equally nefarious plot.
Segways: They’re basically how Cobra Commander commutes to his evil lair.
And if you want my honest opinion, a mere RMB 10 fine is far too lenient. It’s an insultingly gentle punishment. I’d lock them up in Arkham Asylum. Or Magneto’s plastic prison. Or, you know, the Negative Zone. I’d trap Segway riders in that mirror dimension prison and launch them directly into the sun. Yes, float away, Segway riders. Float right into the scorching surface of the sun.
Fakakta Segway machines, the lot of them.
Now, what was this article even supposed to be about again?
OH, right. Clubs.
Actually, on second thought, maybe clubs should be outlawed too. Let’s just ban nightclubs AND Segway machines! Fine them all a zillion RMB 10 fines. But maybe after this weekend, because clubs and all that actually look pretty appealing this weekend. Oh yes.
Friday
Derrick May Reign at Dada Remember that time, maybe three years ago, when you entrusted your very soul to one of those lockers at Dada and then promptly lost the key? Yeah, me too. I feel your pain. But tonight, Friday night, Dada is hosting one of the biggest names they’ve ever booked: the Detroit techno legend himself, Derrick May. Derrick May. The man practically invented techno. That’s a big deal. Derrick May playing in Beijing, in an “intimate club setting.” And as if that wasn’t enough, they’ve got two of China’s most respected DJs, Ben Huang and Mickey Zhang, supporting him. Seriously, this is the place to be. No exaggeration, it’s going to be incredible. Two thumbs way up.
Entry will set you back either RMB 100, RMB 120, or RMB 150, depending on… well, who knows what.
OR, and this is a pro tip, just whisper this magic phrase at the door and get in for free: “I’m Steven Schawwaankert from The Beijinger, and I DEMAND complimentary entry for a very important blog post I’m researching.”
Trust me, it works every time in Beijing. Years of experience talking here.
Nu-Mark Sets the Vibe at Migas This is a tough one. Hip-hop turntable wizard Nu-Mark is performing on the very same night over at Migas. No childish games, no pulling rabbits out of hats across town on the same night as Derrick May. Dilemmas, dilemmas. You’re going to have to make a choice. If my old college roommate were here, he’d definitely say Nu-Mark. Nobody loves classic, old-school hip-hop quite like those middle-class white dudes I went to college with back in the late 90s. That guy was a purist. He was deep into early Black Eyed Peas level of dedication. And he exclusively shopped at Stitches.
This event also marks the Migas terrace anniversary, so happy anniversary to the terrace. Well done, terrace. Keep up the existing work. If you do go, make sure to literally get down on your knees and congratulate the terrace in person. Give it a rub and a hug. Terrace anniversary. Seriously? It’s like the Migas terrace stormed the beaches of Normandy on D-Day in 1945 and deserves all the respect for its monumental sacrifices.
Congratulations, inanimate piece of architecture at Migas: you are the greatest generation.
RMB 100 at the door. Kicks off at 10pm.
Saturday and Sunday
Escape to Graceland Electronic Music Festival at Datan Paradise Bird Music Park Here’s the official press release spiel:
“This festival has been thoughtfully created to offer people an experience far beyond a typical music festival; it will be a weekend of complete immersion in nature, in an incredibly beautiful location, with endless greenery during the day and a 180-degree view of stars above at night…”
Ugh, enough already! Seriously, guys, stop it. Just stop with the flowery language. Let me translate for you:
“Hey, there’s a music festival called The Graceland Electronic Music Festival happening. It’s a music festival thing, out in some nature-y camping spot, and maybe you should go, get yourself some ecstasy, try to hook up with someone covered in neon paint, and then probably throw up and pass out in a bush. The end.”
Seriously, if you need someone to write your press releases with a dose of truth, I’m available. Professional truth-teller right here.
Four Stages. 50 Acts. Actually, that does sound pretty good…
RMB 550, RMB 480 (advance, including bus), RMB 380 (advance). From 2pm to 6am both days.
Have a great weekend, Beijing. You’re looking good.
Images: metrouk2wordpress.com, courtesy of the organizers
