Star Trek, in its vast and ever-expanding universe, has always been populated by compelling characters, and among them, the doctors hold a special place. From the stoic professionalism to the occasional bedside manner lacking in… well, manners, Starfleet’s medical personnel are as diverse as the stars themselves. But some doctors stand out, not just for their medical prowess, but for their distinctively cranky personalities. Let’s delve into the rankings of the crankiest doctors in Star Trek, exploring what makes each of them uniquely… irritable.
Dr. Julian Bashir
6. Emil, Rios’ EMH (Star Trek: Picard) – The Surprisingly Cordial Hologram Doctor
Santiago Cabrera’s Rios in Star Trek: Picard Season 1 is famously accompanied by a crew of Emergency Medical Holograms (EMH), each embodying a different facet of his personality. Among these, Emil, the medical hologram, is surprisingly not the most cantankerous. In fact, he’s remarkably cordial and reasonable, a stark contrast to the often stressful and chaotic situations aboard La Sirena.
For a holographic projection derived from Rios, Emil exhibits a notable level of composure and level-headedness. While you might hesitate to rely on him as your sole physician in a critical emergency, given his connection to Rios’s psyche and the potential for inherited grumpiness, Emil consistently demonstrates a balanced and almost pleasant demeanor. He’s the most well-adjusted of Rios’s holographic crew, proving that even in the face of deep space anomalies and existential threats, some doctors maintain a surprising sense of calm, even if they are just a hologram.
5. Dr. Julian Bashir (Star Trek: Deep Space Nine) – The Righteously Indignant Doctor
Dr. Julian Bashir of Star Trek: Deep Space Nine starts us on the path towards true Star Trek crankiness, albeit in a more nuanced way. Initially, Bashir is presented as somewhat of a cocky and overconfident young doctor, which isn’t quite the classic “Bones” McCoy style of grumpiness we often associate with Starfleet physicians. However, as the series progresses and Alexander Siddig’s portrayal of Bashir deepens, the character evolves beyond youthful arrogance into something far more compelling: righteous indignation.
Bashir’s crankiness isn’t just about being grumpy; it’s fueled by a strong moral compass and a passionate sense of justice. In episodes like “Past Tense,” where he grapples with Earth’s dystopian past, or “Inter Arma Enim Silent Leges,” where he confronts the morally grey world of Section 31, Bashir’s indignation becomes a driving force. He’s not always a “nice” doctor in the traditional sense; he challenges authority, questions ethics, and isn’t afraid to ruffle feathers in pursuit of what he believes is right. This places Bashir in a unique category of cranky doctors – one whose irritability is born from a deep-seated sense of justice and a refusal to compromise his principles.
Bones McCoy
4. Dr. Leonard “Bones” McCoy (Star Trek: The Original Series) – The Gold Standard of Starfleet Grumpiness (Almost)
Dr. Leonard “Bones” McCoy from Star Trek: The Original Series is arguably the archetype of the cranky Star Trek doctor. He set the standard, the benchmark for all subsequent irritable physicians in the franchise. Yet, surprisingly, when considering the entire spectrum of Star Trek doctors, Bones isn’t quite the most cranky. Several factors contribute to this almost-but-not-quite status.
Firstly, there are indeed doctors further down this list who simply out-crank Bones in sheer, unadulterated grumpiness. Secondly, beneath his gruff exterior and constant complaints, Bones is, at his core, a deeply compassionate and caring individual. His often-professed exasperation with Spock is constantly undercut by his demonstrated affection and loyalty to the Vulcan. Moments like those in Star Trek III: The Search for Spock highlight the deep bond and love he holds, even if expressed through grumbling. Finally, the Deep Space Nine episode “Trials and Tribble-ations” offers a subtle hint that Bones might be more charming than he lets on. Dax mentions that Emony Dax, one of her previous hosts, had a romantic encounter with McCoy. This detail, however humorous, subtly softens Bones’ image, suggesting a hidden layer of affability beneath the cranky facade. While Bones remains a legendary figure in Star Trek crankiness, he is ultimately revealed to be a grump with a heart of gold, placing him slightly lower on the scale than some of his successors.
Dr. Katherine Pulask
3. Dr. Katherine Pulaski (Star Trek: The Next Generation) – The Unapologetically Acerbic Doctor
If this list were compiled in 1988, during her tenure on Star Trek: The Next Generation, Dr. Katherine Pulaski might very well have claimed the top spot. Pulaski’s brand of crankiness is sharp, direct, and often aimed squarely at those around her. Her infamous mispronunciation of Data’s name, coupled with her complete lack of remorse for the error, immediately establishes her as someone who operates outside of typical Starfleet politeness. She doesn’t just mispronounce his name once; she doubles down, repeatedly calling him “Datah,” and seems almost to relish in the android’s mild discomfort, and the crew’s general awkwardness.
Portrayed brilliantly by Diana Muldaur, Pulaski comes across as someone who feels somewhat out of place on the Enterprise-D, perhaps longing for a different assignment. This sense of professional displacement might fuel her prickly demeanor. Interestingly, this characterization occurred during a period when Gene Roddenberry actively discouraged interpersonal conflict among Starfleet officers, making Pulaski’s inherent friction with the crew all the more striking and, arguably, groundbreaking for The Next Generation.
In “The Icarus Factor,” an episode referenced in Star Trek: Lower Decks, Pulaski’s crankiness takes another bizarre turn. She expresses attraction to Riker’s estranged and deeply unpleasant father, Kyle Riker, and then bluntly informs a clearly distressed Riker of her attraction, while he is in the midst of explaining his father’s difficult personality. This episode highlights not only her strange taste but also her almost confrontational approach to interpersonal interactions. Pulaski is not afraid to be contrary, even when it’s socially inappropriate or insensitive. She is a force to be reckoned with, a doctor who will not hesitate to voice her opinions, no matter how cutting or unconventional they might be.
Dr. T’ana
2. Dr. T’ana (Star Trek: Lower Decks) – The Unflappably Sadistic (But Effective) Doctor
Dr. T’ana from Star Trek: Lower Decks is a strong contender for the title of Star Trek’s crankiest doctor, coming incredibly close to claiming the top spot. She masterfully blends the classic grumpiness of Bones McCoy with the abrasive, go-to-hell attitude of Pulaski, amplified to an almost comical degree, thanks to Gillian Vigman’s voice performance. Her Caitian physiology (cat-like alien species) certainly adds to her feline-esque irritability, but her crankiness goes far beyond mere species traits.
T’ana’s brand of crankiness borders on sadism, though it’s always in service of (often unconventional) medical solutions. She’s perfectly willing to use boulders to “knock strange energies” out of patients, showcasing a rather unorthodox and borderline violent approach to medicine. Despite her seemingly burnt-out and perpetually annoyed disposition, T’ana is undeniably competent and unflappable in a crisis. You get the distinct impression that she’s seen it all, is thoroughly tired of space-borne illnesses and bizarre alien ailments, but possesses too much professionalism (or perhaps just sheer stubbornness) to ever refuse a case. The underlying secret to Dr. T’ana’s crankiness is that she can seemingly fix anything that ails anyone. However, be prepared for a barrage of sarcastic remarks, withering glances, and general disdain if you happen to be her patient. Cross her, and you might find yourself on the receiving end of her considerable and creatively deployed irritability.
In conclusion, Star Trek is rich with memorable doctors, and many of them bring a healthy dose of crankiness to their medical bays. From the subtly grumpy Emil to the overtly irritable Dr. T’ana, these characters demonstrate that even in the optimistic future of Starfleet, a little bit of grumbling can be just what the doctor ordered. Who do you think is the crankiest doctor in Star Trek? Let us know in the comments below!
