Sometimes, the most challenging conversations in a marriage are the ones about family planning. Navigating the desire for intimacy with the responsibilities of parenthood can lead to some pretty funny, and occasionally awkward, situations. If you’ve ever searched for relatable and humorous song lyrics – maybe even something quirky like “Doctor Worm Lyrics” – you might stumble upon a gem that perfectly encapsulates this marital dance. While not actually “Doctor Worm” (a song by They Might Be Giants, known for its own unique charm), this particular set of lyrics offers a similarly whimsical, albeit more adult-themed, take on life’s little dilemmas.
This song tells the story of a husband and wife facing a common marital crossroads: the question of having more children. The opening scene is relatable for many couples – a cozy night in that takes a turn towards romance.
My wife and I were cuddlin’ as we watched somethin’ befuddlin’
It was Extreme Knitting on ESPN
(And) when we started some caressin’ and segued into molestin’
I suggested we should go upstairs right then
The initial verses paint a picture of a husband ready for romance, only to be hilariously interrupted by his wife’s very practical concerns. The phrase “you’re a fair bit too damned fertile” is a blunt, yet funny, way for the wife to address the elephant in the room – the need for birth control. The flashback to a past pregnancy despite precautions (“eight-ply trojans”) adds to the humor and justifies her current stance.
But she said “There’s just one hurdle, you’re a fair bit too damned fertile
“Do you nae remember when our son was born?
“I was poppin’ my lo-ovrum, you were wearin’ eight-ply trojans
“But I still wound up a-hurlin’ in the morn”
The husband’s attempts to persuade his wife are met with firm resistance. His libido is “indicatin’ true magnetic north,” a funny metaphor for his unwavering desire, but the wife is resolute. Her solution? Vasectomy.
I groveled and I pleaded, for t’was lovin’ that I needed
And no self-induced relievin’ would suffice
But she wouldn’t give me one kiss, said “My oven must stay bunless
“And until that’s not a danger, let’s play nice”I said “That’s all well and neato, but tell that to my libido
“It’s still indicatin’ true magnetic north”
She said “Better put some ice on, I won’t look at that thing twice un-
“-til you set upon the plan that I’ll lay forth”
This leads to the core of the song – the vasectomy procedure itself. The refrain introduces “a doctor in Rochester,” Doctor Stopp, who is presented as the solution to their family planning conundrum. The lyrics cleverly use dark humor to address the husband’s apprehension about the surgery.
(Refrain)
And she told me ’bout a doctor in Rochester
An old surgeon by the name of Doctor Stopp
And if I went to him the next day with my fifty-dollar copay
He’d curtail our family lineage with a chop
The husband’s exaggerated vows of love and fidelity, culminating in the line “the scar upon my nuts should drive it home,” are both comical and endearing. It highlights the lengths he’s willing to go to for his wife, even if it involves a slightly terrifying medical procedure.
And I said “I swear to you my lover, that my heart longs for no other
“And that from your side I’ve got no cause to roam
“And if the ring upon my finger doesn’t prove to you my love
“Then the scar upon my nuts should drive it home, drive it home
“Yes the scar upon my nuts should drive it home”
The narrative then shifts to the doctor’s office, filled with nervous men awaiting the same fate. The description of the waiting room, “decorated with a look that could be dated / To when Abba was still burnin’ up the charts,” adds a touch of nostalgic humor and sets a slightly awkward, dated scene.
Well with that my fate was written, I was in his office sittin’
With some nervous men with legs crossed o’er their parts
The whole room was decorated with a look that could be dated
To when Abba was still burnin’ up the charts
The encounter with Doctor Stopp is brief and clinical, contrasting with the husband’s emotional turmoil. The doctor’s matter-of-fact description of the procedure (“T’aint no nucl’ar fission, just a quarter-inch incision”) downplays the husband’s anxieties, adding to the comedic effect.
The doctor came in swiftly and he asked me for my history
As he prodded at the junk beneath my jeans
He said “Have ye any questions?” I said “Nay sir I’m all set
“As long as there’s good drugs and big high-tech machines”He said “T’aint no nucl’ar fission, just a quarter-inch incision
“And a slice from out the tubes beneath your meat
“Then I’ll stitch’er up and mend’er, for a week ye’ll be quite tender
“And then no more shall your sack be packin’ heat”
The pre-surgery shaving mishap and the wife’s less-than-sympathetic reaction (“You probably should’ve practiced on a gourd”) further amplify the humor, making light of a potentially stressful situation.
On the morn of the procedure I’d been told to shave my features
In a place for which no razor is contoured
And my wife suggested after she’d choked back most of her laughter
That I probably should’ve practiced on a gourd
The surgery itself is described with a mix of fear and dark humor. The husband’s concern about the impact on his sex life (“Will it still feel good when I make love or wax my wood?”) is met with the doctor’s dryly technical reply (“You won’t notice a vas deferens.”).
They marched me to my room, where stripped down to face the doom
Of my infinite potential gals and gents
I said “Will it still feel good when I make love or wax my wood?”
He said “You won’t notice a vas deferens.”On the table I was laid, in the air my legs were splayed
While the doctor scrubbed my bits for the attack
And I’ll tell ya, lads and ladies, they can numb you half to hades
You still know when there’s a knife stuck in your sack
The excruciatingly slow and painful ride home is a relatable post-surgery experience, exaggerated for comedic effect. The “map of every bleedin’ bump along the trip” is a vivid and humorous image.
My wife drove me home at 13 miles an hour
While I sat there with my teeth deep in my lip
And although it’s been years past, I could still draw for ye if asked
A map of every bleedin’ bump along the trip
Years later, the song concludes with an ironic twist. The wife, having seemingly forgotten the vasectomy and the initial reasons for it, suggests “maybe we should have…another kid?” This final punchline perfectly encapsulates the cyclical and often unpredictable nature of marital conversations and desires.
Well 5 years have come and gone now since that mornin’
When the doctor did to me…the thing he did
And just yesterday my bride, looked to me all twinkly-eyed
And said “Y’know, I’ve been thinking…maybe we should have…another kid?”
The husband’s exasperated and final vow – threatening to kick his wife out if she persists – provides a humorous and somewhat cathartic ending. It’s a song that, while not “doctor worm lyrics” in origin, shares a similar spirit of quirky storytelling and witty observations on everyday life, albeit with a decidedly more adult and marital focus. This humorous take on vasectomy and marital dynamics offers a lighthearted look at a significant life decision, reminding us that even serious topics can be approached with humor and a good dose of self-awareness.
